Advice by Clyde Read online

  Advice by Clyde

  By Amber Lynn

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright © 2013 Amber Lynn

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  Smashwords Edition, License Notes

  Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

  This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

  Warning: This book is the musings of a Hellhound. Don't believe a word of anything he says and please don't follow his advice.

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  Preface

  A little note before we begin

  This novelette takes place in between the books Night Lurks and Night Finds in the Nyx Slaughter series. Reading it may reveal a few things you would not know if you haven't read up to Night Lurks, but I don't think it will ruin everything for you. It includes or mentions most of the characters from the books and hints about at least two key events.

  It is told from one of the favorite characters in the series, Clyde. Clyde is, for the lack of better terminology, a lovable Hellhound that seems to relish in getting in trouble. His language has been known to be questionable and I don't recommend his eating habits at all.

  To help make sense of who the characters are, here are some quick, generic descriptions:

  Nyx is the usual main character in the series. She is snarky and can often be found polishing her weapons.

  Sebastian is a vampire that has been friends with Nyx for a while and has developed a special bond with her.

  Alex is a werewolf that started out as a giant headache, but Nyx has grown to love the jerk.

  Ben is a demon. Do I really need to say more?

  Marcus, Smitty, Will, and Dante are personal guards that Sebastian assigned to Nyx. They are all vampires.

  Jonas, Jake, and Walt are also personal guards, but were assigned by Alex. Can you guess what species they are?

  Sam and Phee are wounded werewolves that have fallen under the others' wings.

  I think that is all the usual troublemakers. I have already described Clyde a little and if you read on, you are going to learn more than you ever wanted to about what makes the Hellhound tick.

  Hopefully, that is the path you choose. If so, enjoy.

  Chapter 1

  A star was born

  I hear backstories are things people like to read, but before we get into any of that, I need to set a few ground rules. Some of you will probably already know who I am, if you are smart you will anyway. My name is Clyde, my species is Hellhound, and I tend to believe I am amazing.

  That is why I think you need to read about my life. I am a busy Hellhound, so don't expect me to write a long memoir about my relatively short life. I am saving the good details for the blockbuster movie coming out next spring. I am hoping they don’t mind me playing myself because I haven’t been able to find another canine as good looking as yours truly.

  On that subject, another thing you should know going into this is I am a distant, like next galaxy distant, relative of the human companion species that looks relatively like me. That means that I don't necessarily think like a humanoid and you may find some of the things I say to be offensive.

  My response to any complaints? Tough titties.

  With those little facts out of the way, I am ready to tell you a bit more about myself.

  Last I checked I am still under one-year-old and the size of a small pony. I have only ever seen a full-size horse in person, but after looking at the dimensions online, I think I could be compared to a Shetland pony.

  My parents are, obviously, both Hellhounds. My mom's name is Pepa and last I knew she had grown her second head. Dad, also known as Hermes, is a stud and has all three of his heads. I still have a number of years before I can even dream about getting my second, but I do neck exercises daily to prepare. I have been told the added weight can be a little daunting at first.

  My first owner, Ben the Amazing, as I like to call him, decided to gift me to the woman he was hoping to make annoying children with. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of going home with her, she smelled a little too floral for my liking when we first met. However, I learned that she was a sucker early on and now I am living the good life. As long as I don't tell her she smells like lilacs, I think she will let me keep my balls.

  Nyx is a mom that likes to think she is in charge of everything, but let's face it, she has so many people around her vying for her affections that she is being guided in most of her decisions. I don't mind and I refuse to voice my concerns on the subject, since more often than not it works out in my favor.

  Anyway, I live with her and her entourage now and life couldn't be more perfect. I have even managed to make a career for myself, although, I don't get paid for it, yet. See, I am a quick study and it only took me a few times watching over shoulders to figure out how to use the Internet.

  I have to say the Internet is one of the best things ever created besides maybe the cow. I have spent hours, okay maybe days, on search engines and I have to say that I am pretty close to knowing everything there is to know.

  I decided to take that knowledge and create my own webpage offering advice for others. I know, it is a brilliant idea and everyone reading this has flocked to their closest computer or smart phone to search me out. I will sit around and wait for you to come back. Oh, you just made a note to check it out later? Great, let's continue on about me.

  I do most of my advice giving from the comforts of my room, so the humanoids don't question why I am spending so much time at the computer. So far, other than noticing a few purchases none of them made for me, they haven't figured it out. They tend to be rather clueless when it comes to my deviousness. I don’t understand why that is. I mean I am a Hellhound; it kind of comes with the territory.

  The website has been doing pretty good so far. I have received over fifty letters from hopeless saps out there wanting to find help. Traffic looks to be going up every hour as word gets out about my amazing advice giving skills. Before long, I will have to be looking for some bigger servers to host my greatness.

  You aren’t getting upset about me talking about myself like I am a super being, are you? You should probably stop reading now if that kind of thing bothers you because it is only going to get worse as we go along.

  Moving on, I started things off by just reading those columns that are normally in the paper and posting the daily questions with my answers. Yes, I know it is odd to find that a Hellhound is capable of reading a newspaper, but if you got over the fact that I can use the Internet, that shouldn’t be a stumbling block.

  I have found it a little odd that my answers to the letters never matches those Dear So and So people, but I chalk that up to them not knowing what is really going on in the world. I like to think I am a cultured Hellhound and my advice is something the normal humanoid can take and implement with ease.

  Take my first response as an example, here is what someone wrote:

  Dear ____,

  We recently moved into our house and the next door neighbors are starting to drive us insane. They were close to the previous owners and according to the neighbors those owners allowed them to come over and sit on the patio whenever they wanted. I have walked out a couple of times to enjoy the sunset in peace and found them both eating dinner on my patio. We have asked them to stop and they have just smiled and no
dded, but they continue to show up unexpectantly. I don’t want to be the mean neighbor that calls the cops on them for trespassing, but it is getting to the point that I think it may be necessary.

  What can I do?

  Frustrated in Milwaukee

  I won’t say who the letter was addressed to, but they gave some silly advice that I doubt will get things done. It is people like these neighbors that you really have to show who is boss or they will just walk all over you.

  This was my response:

  Dear Frustrated,

  Are you an idiot? I mean, really, how hard is it to put your foot down? I have a couple of different ideas that you would be smart to follow.

  First, if you don’t want people showing up unexpectantly you need to mark your territory. Walk around your property and mark it like you own it. It is always best to do this when the wind is blowing in their direction to make sure they can get a good whiff, so plan accordingly. That alone has always been enough for me, but if they have had their senses of smell removed, read on.

  My second method of getting rid of the weirdoes has to do with the city you claim to be living in. I did a search and found your town has the nickname of Beer Town, amongst other beer and brew names. If your town is known for beer there should be tons of empty cans littering the streets. This idea should not only work, but also be great for the environment. Go around and gather these empty cans and build yourself a wall out of them. Problem solved. You could even paint them if you wanted it to be a decorative wall.

  Other quick solutions would be: get a fence and a big lock for said fence or move your ass to a different neighborhood because this one ain’t for you. I would recommend killing them and burying their bodies in their backyard, but since you had to write for advice in the first place, I bet you are too big of a pansy to carry that one out.

  Clyde

  I posted that response a month or so ago and daily since then I have either answered other newspaper questions or ones that are now being sent to me personally. The range of comments I receive go from people wanting me to come live with them and help with their problems to those who are trying to convince me to go to church and save myself.

  Note to the latter group of people: I am a Hellhound, you have to be completely crazy to think me walking into a church is going to go over well. I have a few angel friends I can send in my place though. I bet that would make your church really popular.

  So, I am getting around twenty requests for help a day now and I try to post and respond to each of them on my site. These people really need my help, so it would be practically criminal for me not to assist. Take this email for instance...

  “Clyde, Nyx wants to see you pronto,” my friend Jake yells while he pounds on my door. That figures they won't give me a few hours to write this important stuff down.

  I am just happy I learned how to lock the doors and convinced them that a Hellhound door was needed. Now, they can't just come barging in whenever they feel like it. We had a few awkward moments before the lock was put in place.

  Without Nyx around, Jake won't be able to hear any reply I could attempt to give him, so I jump out of my chair and push through my door. In case you are wondering, I wrote this next part when I got back to my computer. I wanted to give you all an idea of what I have to put up with every day. A visit with Nyx is something that needs to be experienced like it is happening while you are reading, so we are going to continue in the present tense even though it happened a while ago. Maybe now you'll be able to see why I sometimes consider moving in with those people asking me for advice.

  Chapter 2

  Punishment is a very long four-letter word

  On our way to wherever Nyx is currently hiding in this huge apartment, Jake talks nonstop. Sometimes I am pretty sure he forgets I cannot say anything back to him. I have asked Mom to look into that, but she for some reason keeps developing deafness when I ask for a spell that makes everyone hear me.

  “So, me and Jonas were sparring yesterday and I think I finally spotted his weakness. I haven't been able to beat him, yet, but I saw he leaves an opening on his body when he goes for a left hook. If I can just be fast enough to get in there, I think I will finally have an advantage.”

  I don't care if he saw the broadside of a barn open up on Jonas, the boy isn't going to ever beat the superior fighter. Maybe in thirty years when Jake is closer to his prime and Jonas may be coming off of his, but even then it probably won't happen.

  I believe he is leading me towards the kitchen, which works out well because I am getting a little hungry. The kitchen isn't easy for me to break into, but I am sure Nyx won't mind feeding her poor, defenseless, or opposable thumbless, dog.

  “I wouldn't be so sure about that,” Mommy says as we enter the room. “I think we need a few minutes to talk alone, Jake.”

  The coward quickly turns tail and runs out of the room from the tone of Nyx's voice. It isn't even the worse one I have heard and he runs. What a dork. I am a little surprised to find Her Highness alone. That pretty much never happens.

  “What can I do for you today, Mother?” I ask as I walk closer to the fridge. I hope she gets the idea and takes out a couple of steaks for me.

  “I'll feed you when I am done, but we need to talk about this advice column thing first,” she replies and I give her my patented 'I don't know what you are talking about' look.

  This has me worried that the humanoids are paying way more attention than I thought they were. I hope they didn't find out about me humping a fluffy stuffed duck I found lying around the other day. It was just the right firmness to...well you get the idea. I couldn't help myself.

  “How do you think I am running this advice column? That would seem difficult for someone from my species to pull off.” I am still trying to pull off innocence. I imagine it will be short lived, but I can try.

  “I'm not an idiot. Sebastian monitors everyone's computer activity to make sure we don't have any forces working against us. You have met the man before, so that shouldn't come as a shock to you.” She hops up on to the counter and starts swinging her legs. “I actually think the stuff is kind of funny, but the guys' legal team doesn't share that sense of humor. They want you to put up more warnings around the site. You need to make sure before people even enter that they can see the site is just for fun and the advice given shouldn't be taken as real.”

  “But it is real. You have obviously read some of it. Don't you think my responses make sense?”

  “Maybe in our world, but I believe a lot of these people are humans and they can't just get away with stabbing someone that pisses them off. If I get mad and need to stab Alex, he will most likely heal. If human Jim gets mad at his wife, human Jill, and stabs her a couple of times to get it out of his system, she ain't waking up in the morning.”

  Hmm. I thought I had been good about giving killing as only a last resort, but some humans are thickheaded enough that they read things backwards.

  “Okay, I can put up more warnings to ensure they don't do something dumb. Were there any specific words they wanted me to use?” I ask and watch as she jumps off of the counter and walks towards the fridge. “Steak, yes. Five for me please.”

  “You will get three and that is it. You are starting to get a little pudgy. I think you need to spend a little more time in the gym and less time in front of that computer.”

  She is lucky that her owner bond with me keeps me from biting her ankles. She would have been feetless months ago if I could have eaten them. I wait for her to put my food on the ground before I give my reply. My three steaks can just as easily become none if I really piss her off.

  “You know, you might want to take your own advice on that one. That belly of yours looks like a few laps around the track would do it some good,” I say after inhaling my third steak.

  “So smart waiting to run your mouth until after you have finished. You forget that I can have Sebastian restrict your Internet access, though. I think a couple of hours without your am
usement will do you some good.”

  “You are a mean, heartless woman, Mother. You wouldn't really do that to me, would you?” We give each other crap all the time. She is way too sensitive about a few extra pounds.

  “I need to go make sure the guys aren't planning things to make my life more difficult. The lawyers are going to email you the wording you should use. You won't be able to see it just yet because Sebby has already severed your connection, but I want the warning up by the end of the night,” she says and then leaves the room like she didn't just wreck my universe.

  She didn't say for sure how long my punishment is going to last, but even a minute is too long. I might as well just lie down on the kitchen floor and cry. The meanest mother in the world just left the building. She has spent months threatening me for my actions and never once come up with a way to discipline me that actually works.

  I respond to her telling me I could lose a few pounds by telling her the same and that finally snapped her. Is there even anything to do around this house that doesn't revolve around me being on my computer?

  “Ouch, that was pretty harsh,” Jake says coming back into the room. “You had to know she was still sensitive about the weight. Alex said something to her the other day and she practically strangled him.”

  Is he looking for some kind of response or just expecting me to cry on his shoulder? He is going to be stuck waiting if he expects either one. I roll my eyes and head for the exit. I think it is time to try to find some grass somewhere that needs a little watering. It is an impossible task, but I can try. If I wasn't starting to become afraid of Nyx's reaction, I would go see if her pillow was a little dry and in need of hydration.

  “Hey, I am assigned with keeping an eye on you for the next two hours, so quit trying to run away,” Jake says following close behind.